


The butterfly effect

by gravityplant



Series: One-shot list [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Homophobia, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Phandom - Freeform, Strangers to Lovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-03
Updated: 2019-02-03
Packaged: 2019-10-21 20:16:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17649176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gravityplant/pseuds/gravityplant
Summary: On a sleepless night a heartbroken Phil finds himself sat on one of the swings in an abandoned playground. Soon enough he notices that he's not alone, strangely enough, a talkative seventeen-year-old boy is there as well and he doesn't seem to mind hearing all about Phil's problems.





	The butterfly effect

**Author's Note:**

> Genre: strangers to lovers, angst, fluff
> 
> TW: homophobia
> 
> Beta: up-at-3-am-reading-fanfic
> 
> words: 3k

Phil’s seated on a swing, it creaks quietly as he gains a tiny bit of momentum by pushing himself back with his feet on the ground. The sky is grey and dull, it’s almost as if it purposely tried to reflect how Phil is feeling right now.

His mind won't let him rest, all he can think about is her. His brain is drowning him in everything she is, her scent, her laugh echoing in Phil's mind like a simple, tormenting melody. Phil has spent many nights staring up at the ceiling of his bedroom. All he heard was a consistent buzz, the kitchen clock ticking in the quiet apartment and it was driving him mad. At last he couldn't stand it any longer, so naturally, he sought some sort of escape. Maybe that's why he found a safe place on the cold abandoned playgrounds swing. When Phil first saw it on his late night walk to clear his mind, he thought it resembled him so much that the stab in his heart felt physical, almost like it wasn't his unreliable mind abusing him.

The swing looked so lonely as it was swaying ever so lightly in the cold autumn wind. He gave it a small reassuring smile in the hopes that it somehow would send some positive vibes towards the swing. Of course, he knew in the exact moment the idea popped up that it was, in fact, ludicrous but Phil couldn't quite make himself care so much about it at the moment, after all, there were much heavier thoughts looming in his footsteps. He'd tried to escape them momentarily and hoped that maybe some fresh air would help. But they were back again.

What she had said made no sense in his head no matter how many times he'd twisted and turned it, trying to see it from her perspective. Eventually, he'd called it quits. Phil had given it too much energy and now the problem was consuming him instead, eating at him from the inside.

Phil had wanted to understand it, not get dragged in and utterly swallowed by the sheer reality of her decision. He was so utterly lonely, so alone that if he were to go missing no one would notice. Phil's parents thought that they were still together, and he knew they were expecting him to marry her one day. Even he, himself had dreamt about that, had seen a future with her but apparently, she hadn't. And that hurt a whole lot.

He hadn't talked to anyone about what had happened. All his feelings were pent up and he felt so vulnerable. The minute anyone - it didn't matter who it was - asked Phil about her or something of a similar calibre he'd likely burst into tears or worse, tell them everything. How lonely he felt, how the silence was killing him and that he craved the warmth of a body next to him now that she was gone.

"You've really done it haven't you, Phil? Dug yourself into a pit of despair" He doesn't really know why he suddenly asks himself this out in the open, maybe it's to fill the silence, make up for the devoid of company. Phil scrunches up his shoulders, hiding his face in the thick scarf his mom knitted for him. "but you just had to push her away didn't you, hide in yourself until she thought that you didn't love her anymore so that she had to take to drastic actions".

"Sounds like a mess" Phil jumps looking around himself for a stranger of which the voice belonged to. Then he notices the man or rather the teenager sitting among the tall frozen grass. "I'm sorry for interrupting you in your private debate with yourself, I'm Dan, lonely teenager at your service ready to hear all about your miserable life" the man winks and reaches out a hand. Phil is so shocked that he perplexed reaches out his hand to shake Dan's.

"Phil."

"So Phil, tell me what are you doing out here in the cold and what were the drastic measures she had to undertake?"

Phil smiles for himself as he looks away. The wind blows harshly through his hair and before him stands a complete stranger. "It's not so important" he dismisses. A silence is laid over them like a thick blanket before Dan mutters "doesn't seem that way". Phil's first impulse is to laugh it away, but he doesn't.

He feels almost hollow inside as he says "ran away with some younger guy". Dan stands still for a moment, frozen as a surprised "oh" slips from his lips.

He's fast to pick up the conversation again though and adds "Phil, I know I'm just some weird stranger you've just met but I'd like to hear your story anyway.

Phil shakes his head but there's a small - almost non-existent - smile playing on his lips "you know what, if we're going talk anymore I need something warm to drink, why don't you join me in my apartment for some deep talk and a warm cup of tea". Dan's eyes light up "I'd love that, it's getting awfully cold out," he says and smiles shyly. Phil nods "yeah, especially if you sit in the frozen grass you weirdo" he laughs and Dan laughs with him "I guess.." he says when the laughter's died down. But the smile never reaches his eyes.

-

Dan drags his nail across the cup, he looks nervous biting a gnawed bottom lip. His cheeks are rosy and his eyes reflect the warm kitchen light. "Okay, so tell me, big mess, agonising break-up, heartbroken pretty boy.”

"Wow, you're making it sound like I should've sold the story to a tabloid". Phil says abashed blushing at what Dan said or rather what he'd called him. Pretty? Phil hadn't had time to even think about his own appearance. He probably looked sleep deprived with massive bags under his eyes. His hair did most likely stand up in all possible directions. He hid his face in his hands self-consciously.

Dan smiled towards him when he peeked between slender fingers "Haha, nah mate... I rather actually hear you tell me personally than read it on some cheap-ass mass-printed rag. It feels more real and I can connect with you. Something tells me that you need to speak to somebody rather than have people speak about you." Dan says a heartwarming smile tugging at his lips when he reaches forward clasping Phil's hand in his "and I'm literally all ears, all yours for as long as you want me".

He blushes profusely after he's realised what he's said might suggest something else and he hastily adds "It's not like I have anything better to do I mean...".

Phil's a bit taken back over the fact that a mere stranger is willing to listen, to care about his problems, to him it sounds ludicrous. This is something Phil himself would never do. Sometimes he forgets that not everybody acts the same way as him, but it's a pleasant reminder, something that keeps him on the edge of his seat.

Phil is too introverted, too self-conscious. He would get too involved in other peoples business and devote all his time until he was breathing their problem. It would wear him down to the bone, cause him to become sleepless for days.

"I'm glad Dan, I'm lucky to be able to rob you of some time then," he says putting his elbows on the table leaning forward but not daring to look Dan directly in the eyes. Phil can almost feel how uncomfortable Dan is, thinking that some abortive heartbroken guy is attracted to him. Because Phil's voice is seeping with affection. Such you shouldn't have for strangers you've just met. But Dan just smiles politely and nods for Phil to start speaking.

"She said she wasted four years on me". There it was it just blew out of him like the gust caused by a violent flap of a butterflies wing, the start of something new. The butterfly effect, will it lead to some sort of conclusion that Phil so desperately craves? He looks up through eyelashes scared for what Dan might say. He's searching his face. Fingers tapping against the porcelain between his hands. The clock on the wall ticks ever so loudly, it's still deafening in the silence that has followed his words.

Dan furrows his eyebrows then the expression leaves his face only resembling a wan look. Phil's own expression is naked, he's an open book for Dan to read he's sure. He shields his hands in front of his face. There's something in Dan's eyes Phil can't describe, a sort of emptiness, maybe he can understand what Phil did wrong for her to leave?

Dan opens his mouth seemingly trying to talk but the words getting stuck in his throat, he coughs "I'm sorry". Phil only winces, he doesn't answer eyes flickering to the clock. He almost jumps when Dan's quiet voice fills the silent kitchen.

"If she really loved you it should’ve felt like she wasted no time. Like your love was enough. That the time it took to mend the bridges you come across wasn’t a waste of time. Relationships take time and effort to build. To me, it sounds like she was after something else".

"So she didn’t love me?" Phil says but his voice is cracking revealing his true feeling even further. He hides completely behind his hands, it feels like giving in. Dan is telling him the truth, that there is no worth in being romantically involved with him. That he's a waste of time, a moment in someone's life that was just a brief side road.

Dan's eyes widen, his hands gesticulating desperately through the heavy air, funny how his grandmother always said 'it never rains but it pours', certainly Dan seem to hoard problems like a secretive suitcase but rather, he carried a lot of emotional baggage. Maybe today he could solve someone else's if he didn't manage to fuck up this potential friendship as well.

"It doesn’t necessarily mean that she didn’t love you, it means she didn’t find worth in trying to maintain your relationship. That’s on her, not you. You were clearly very committed and loved her very dearly". 

There's hope in Dan's voice, Phil doesn't understand why. “I don’t know maybe I wasn’t? What if I wasn’t enough for her what if what if she felt like I didn’t care about her”.

“Phil, you are showing me that you care through being insecure about not being enough. Maybe it was her who didn’t make sure to reassure you that you are enough”.

Phil feels a restless nervousness settle in the bottom of his stomach, he stands up so quickly that the chair makes a scratching sound when it's being forced backwards abruptly.

"Phil?" Dan questions, his breath hitching and he makes an attempt at standing up himself before Phil waves him off and interrupts him "coffee?" Dan nods timidly, eyes settling on the now empty chair opposite of him.

Dan continues but now his voice has an uncertain tone to it but it grows more confident the more he talks. As if he's convincing himself as well. "Sometimes it’s time to let go of the people that don’t find worth in having you around. Whether it's your girlfriend, a friend or... family, even though it hurts because you care about them.

It takes time, sometimes you tell yourself that you don’t have that time. Sometimes you have to force yourself to a conclusion in the problems that keep on wearing you down.

Everyone needs help, someone that they can talk to when they’re ready. It’s not easy, it will never be but when you can look back on it and it doesn’t feel like your chest implodes you know there has been an improvement. And that’s enough. Trying is the key but celebrating small victories is important too."

"I guess you're right," Phil says, he so badly wants to believe what Dan is telling him. There's a moment of silence from both of them when he starts the coffee machine. With his back facing Dan he feels safer. Maybe he's changed his mind, he doesn't need to talk to somebody. Every time he tries to he can feel the pressure on his chest pushing the words back until they're mere whispers. He knows that he said to himself to give Dan a try. He told himself that it would be easier because Dan doesn't know him and they will probably never meet again after this. But it's not easier he realises, it's just as hard. So he decides to switch things up. It wouldn't hurt asking Dan some questions now, would it?

Phil spins around leaning against the countertop he smiles towards Dan. "Hey, now it's my turn to ask you some questions! I'm really curious how come you sat in a playground in the middle of the night?"

Dan winces at the words, he lifts his gaze slightly still not looking into Phil's eyes "what?" he whispers, his voice sounds hollow. Like he doesn't have any strength left. Phil shakes his head smiling at Dan "craving that bean juice?" Dan finally meets his eyes, he raises one eyebrow in question and there's a small smile visible "I guess I could take some coffee".

When Phil sets down the cup in front of Dan again, he asks him "Dan is there something you want to tell me?" Phil looks so worried that Dan shakes his head, “Hey Phil look at me, I’m alright”. Phil studies Dan's face, the smile feels off. "Dan..."

Dan exhales. "Phil if you really want to know what I was doing there in the playground you'll have to promise me to not hate me... or call me names... or scream, please don't scream," Dan mumbles the last words so quietly that Phil has to lean forward in his chair to hear them.

Phil nods, on his face, a worried expression is painted out, he doesn't know what to think. Has Dan run from his home? Is he a criminal, maybe he's lost something important?

"I... I don't have a home Phil, I'm homeless". Phil's face is flooded by surprise "what... but surely someone as young as you should have a family member whose house you could stay at or I don't know an own apartment?" Dan shakes his head sadly "I used to, I mean I used to have family that cared about me. But now she's gone. Phil, I don't know what to do anymore". Dan says and Phil can make out the tears that fall freely from Dan's face when they reflect the kitchen light. But Dan doesn't even acknowledge them. Phil is by Dan's side in a minute, he doesn't know why but something inside him urged for him to hug Dan. To console the crying man.

For a minute Phil thinks Dan is going to fight him, push his arms away but Dan accepts his hug, pressing his wet face into Phil's chest. He's shaking but Phil doesn't say anything to make him speak, he just waits. Phil feels safe hugging Dan, it's strange suddenly being so close to a person when you've been away from abroad. Like he hasn't realised he was touch starved. Phil almost feels a fraction more complete than he was before. For some weird reason he almost relishes this moment, maybe it's because he knows everything will go back to being Phil all alone when Dan is gone.

"My parents, they threw me out," Dan says between sobs, "my grandmother she would've let me stay at hers. But when she died I thought, "why not give up everything!", let no secret remain secret, so I told them. I told my parents that I was gay. Phil closes his eyes, he's got his nose buried in brown locks of hair and when he mumbles his lips touch Dan's scalp. "I'm guessing they didn't take it well?"

"I've got no money left and all I have is a dead phone. Three weeks have gone, at first, it was simpler, but it's getting too cold..." Dan sighs, "I guess I should go, I've overstayed my time".

"Stay," Phil says firmly, the word just flies off his tongue and land in between strands of Dan's hair. What is he thinking how will he pay for not only himself but a second person? But at the moment a strangers safety seems more important to him. But can he really call Dan a stranger anymore, he certainly doesn't feel like one?

"Phil," Dan sounds pained "I can't stay, I'll ruin your life just like I did for my parents, no" he shakes his head decidedly "not one more person."

Phil grabs Dan by the shoulders and looks him in the eyes while Dan tries to look away "I'm sorry but I think that is my decision whether I should let you stay or not."

Dan shakes his head, he looks angry and opens his mouth to say something but then something changes, his expression falters and reveals a furrowed brow and a sad look makes itself evident on his face. He closes his mouth and shakes his head yet again this time sadly. "but it's my decision if I want to go or..."

Phil interrupts Dan before he can finish his sentence "I want you to stay... please?" The pleading look on his face makes Dan's expression change to one with surprise. "I... I like you okay Dan and strangely enough, you're the first person that has marched into my life and tried to make a difference for the better... I... please stay."

-

It's still quiet in Phil's apartment, sometimes he forgets he's not alone anymore. But when someone pulls him close he's reminded of the day he met Dan. When Dan was just an unsure teenager left on the streets by his parents and Phil was a lonely heartbroken man with too many thoughts plaguing his mind.

After Phil had asked Dan to stay everything had changed. That same night neither Dan or Phil slept throughout the whole night. They talked and talked. By the end of the night something within Phil was fluttering, a silent flutter only he could sense. Was it the work of a thousand butterflies coming to his rescue in the dark? Something had told Phil that maybe Dan was the one who'd brought them.

By the time Phil's twenty-first birthday came around Dan had gotten a job. He took Phil out on a dinner date, and for that evening it felt like it was only them against the world. Just a couple of hours before their apartment was filled to the brim with Phil's family and their friends and now they were relieved to be alone together again. That was the night Dan asked Phil to be his boyfriend. And of course, Phil said yes.

Looking back at the time when he first met him, Dan was silent but in so many ways not. Phil has realised he had an inner voice so fierce it pierced through the surface. Screamed for help. He had an internal voice so brave it had carried him through fire. He’s got a clever mind and a kind soul. And oh does Phil Lester admire him.

Phil opens his eyes and watches Dan as he stirs beside him in the bed.

he opens one tired eye and smiles so widely when he sees Phil that his teeth become visible. Then sweeps forward and kisses Phil on the side of his lips. Then he whispers "love, why are you still awake?"

Like a butterfly, Dan is breathtakingly beautiful, elegant and deliberate and Phil's never afraid to say what's on his mind anymore. Neither of them is.


End file.
